I'm a Bad Tipper

• One way to drink more water is to drink scotch-and-water and spit out the scotch.



• Replace sugar with salt and salt with sugar.

• One way to train for a 26.2 mile marathon is to get really good at running .2 miles and then, when you’re comfortable, add in the 26-mile part.

• Remember, when you “sabotage” your diet plans, you’re making a “sab” out of “tag” and “e” (don’t stop and try to figure that out… just keep moving on!).

• 

You can get into any Weight Watchers meeting by looking exactly like Jennifer Hudson.



• Never eat black cat on a weigh-in day.

• Two things that make you look trimmer are wearing dark clothing and losing weight.

• When you're at a restaurant, ask yourself one question: "What the hell am I doing at this restaurant?"

• 

Did you know that you can actually leave the banana skins on when you mix up a smoothie? Of course, you can't drink it then...



• Instead of taking the stairs, take the elevator. Wait, you didn't let me finish… take the elevator while doing 1,000 lunges!

Life Is Good

Life is good.

Well, life is pretty good.

I mean, it’s okay, I guess.

There’s a lot of things that thoroughly frost my shorts though, like people being mean to each other and the way my body seems to sometimes crave all the wrong kinds of foods and then makes me feel miserable.

Life is pretty crappy sometimes.

You turn around twice and you’re older than you want to be, less healthy than you want to be, maybe not exactly where you thought you’d be by this point.

C'mon Life! What are ya doin' to me?

I mean, sometimes you get so stressed out and so worked up that you think you’re gonna explode.

And then you come to a realization: I don’t have control of every aspect of my life, but I do have control the most important ones.

I may be older now but I like to think I’m wiser, too. I may be less healthy than I want to be but I’m healthier than I was yesterday. If I’m not exactly where I want to be right now, I AM on my way.

And life is pretty fantastic sometimes.

There are a lot of things that put a smile on my kisser, like people doing good things for  each other and the way my body accepts that I’m trying to take it to a better place.

Life is good.

Working Out Sucks Winners!

In my “Working Out Why Working Out Sucks Doesn’t Suck Giveaway,” I promised to give away three copies of Working Out Sucks! by Chuck Runyon, the CEO and Co-Founder of Anytime Fitness. Well, I always keep my promises (except when I promised to take my daughter to Disneyworld… it really wasn’t that much fun, Pisa; the lines were waaaaay too long!).

Anyway, I asked readers to give me their excuses for not working out, and of those entries, I chose these winners…

BeBeGetsWordy said...
1.    It's slightly tepid outside and I need a perfect balmy weather to go running


2. The treadmill went really hard last week with me, so I think IT needs rest


3. I got home late (5:05pm as opposed to 5:00pm)


4. I lost weight this week, I can take today and tomorrow off


5. I need to spend some quality time with my couch. It misses me.

(I actually have used all of these. No joke)

Tigerlilly said...
My worst excuse ever is ... " I can't go workout, I have kids" ... when the truth is they are my reason for working out and losing weight. Plus, my gym has awesome child care that my kids love going to.

Calvin said...
JackSh*t, I always use the one tried and true method of avoiding working out. It's a twofold approach that helps me to a) deny responsibility and b) make myself self-important. I say, "I just don't have enough time to workout". And voila, it works. What is really a 2 hour meeting in the morning, becomes an all day affair that kept me from attending the gym at 10:00 pm. Although I slept in on Saturday and didn't wake up until 1:00 pm due to partying until 7:00 a.m. the night before becomes, "I was so exhausted from all the contacts I had to make the day before, I simply had nothing else left to give to myself". Yep, I become the martyr who's fitness is secondary to saving the world in which we live. In short---
I have more time than I think if I would actually be responsible about it.

Thanks to everyone who participated, and special thanks to my friends at Fitfluential and Anytime Health.

Zipfizzy-Doo-Dah

It happened on one of those Zipfizzy-Doo-Dah days
Now that’s the kind of day when you can't keep your eyes open

Without a lil help from Zipfizz.



Zipfizzy-Doo-Dah, Zip-A-Dee-Yay.
Somebody sent me free Zipfizz today!

Plenty of caffeine headed my way!

Zipfizzy-Doo-Dah, Zip-A-Dee-Yay

Mister Jack Sh*t’s got free Zipfizz! 

It came for me.
For me especially.
Everything was complimentary!


Zipfizzy-Doo-Dah, Zipfizzy whiz!

Wonderful feeling.

Got free Zipfizz!

Yes Sir!



Zipfizzy-Doo-Dah, Zipfizzy fix!

My oh my, healthy energy mix.


Vitamins and minerals headed my way.

Zipfizzy-Doo-Dah, Zipfizzy Yay!



Got some Zipfizz for my cup now.

In a tube shaped 

Like batteries.

Plus, it’s only got 10 calories!



Zipfizzy-Doo-Dah, Zip-A-Dee-Yay.
Wonderful Zipfizz!

Mix with water, okay?

Got no sugar, so no let-down.

Take a drink,

Before exercisin’

Huh........who took my Zipfizz?
MMMmm MMMmm

Boy, this stuff is energizin’!


Zipfizzy-Doo-Dah, Zip-A-Dee-Yay.

Wonderful Zipfizz,

Get some today!

More Signs That You Have a Bad Personal Trainer

• Just wants you to do jumping jacks in the parking lot for an hour.

• Charges 99¢ a minute.

• Admits to being a Nazi war criminal.

• Stays on phone for entire session, in which you overhear several comments about “this fat loser that I’m working with right now.”

• Not sure what a “lunge” is.

• Insists that you wear thong and ass-less chaps during session.

• Keeps curling up under bench press bench and falling asleep.

• All instructions are in baby talk.

• Wears a shirt that reads “CERTIFIED PERSONAL TRAITOR”

• Whips you across the back with belt while you’re doing rowing machine.

• Carries a water bottle filled with Jack Daniels.

• Hits you in the facew with pepper spray if you don’t finish a set.


• Keeps talking about some post his buddy Jack wrote on his dumbass blog.

Weightside Story

JACKIA

I feel sh*tty.

Pants don’t fit me.

I feel sh*tty, fulla pity and fat,

And I pity

Anybody who feels like that.


I feel heavy.

Oh so heavy.

Like a Chevy, so heavy I feel.

And so sh*tty,
Like I ate way too much last meal.

See the sh*tty guy in that mirror there?
How did his pants get so tight?
Such a flabby ass.
Such a flabby gut.
Such a flabby neck.
Such a flabby me!

I feel rotten.
Misbegotten.

Health forgotten,
And making me ill.
And I feel
My life heading straight downhill.




GIRLS

Have you met my good friend Jack Sh*tty?

The craziest dude in blogdom.

You'll know from the minute you read him.

He’ll inspire you to get out and jog some.

He thinks he’s so funny.

He thinks he’s a wit.

He isn’t that funny.

He don’t know Jack Sh*t.
But he tries really hard
To help and inspire.
He wants you to be healthy
And lose that spare tire.


So keep up with it
Stay more active
You don’t have to be the person you were.
Lazy and fat
Health on the decline.
Washing down Fritos
With glasses of wine.
Mister Sh*tty Man, Mr. Sh*tty man, post.
Mr. Sh*tty man, write one more post.

JACKIA

I feel sweaty.

Oh so steady.
And I’m ready to finally break free.
So tough titty,
Nothing's ever gonna stop me!
 


I feel hearty.

Not so farty.

I feel healthy and hearty and fine.

And so happy.

My future is finally mine.


See the muscley man in that mirror there.

How did his muscles get so puffy?

Such muscley lats.

Such muscley glutes
.
Such muscley guns.

Such a muscley me!

JACKIA & GIRLS

I feel happy.

Not so crappy.

Feel like running and trying my best.

For I’m healthy,

On a healthy health-finding quest!

Suffering from “Cramnesia”

Weekly weigh-in: 250.2
Loss: +.7
Total loss: -41.3

Emotion: Don’t remember

Apparently, I have come down with a mysterious ailment.

It seems that whenever I cram food in my piehole, I somehow forget about the whole concept that there is some sort o relationship between calories consumed and weight loss.

This “cramnesia” strikes at inopportune times, derailing my best efforts at making progress on the scale. I can spend an hour pumping out sweat in the gym, then absent-mindedly overdo it on the eating front.

The most frustrating thing is not that my doctor won’t prescribe something for my  “cramnesia” but refuses to acknowledge that it is even a medical condition. That’s the last time I search for a doctor on craigslist!

So anyway, if anyone has heard of a reliable treatment for “cramnesia”, please pass it along.

Working Out Why Working Out Sucks Doesn’t Suck (plus Giveaway)

I’ll be honest: I was a little apprehensive as I started reading Working Out Sucks! by Chuck Runyon, the CEO and Co-Founder of Anytime Fitness. I figured that it would be a book-length brochure for his fitness center enterprise, and besides… I was already in the choir that he was preaching to.

I mean, didn’t I write posts like “Working Out Really Sucks,” “You Know What Sucks? Working Out!” and “Nothing Sucks Like Working Out Sucks”? No, I’m asking. Did I write those posts? I’ve written a lot of stuff and I can’t keep track of it all…

But as I got into the book, I noticed that there was something about the tone… a little bit snarky while still being smart, a little bit in-your-face confrontational while staying lively and conversational, that sparked my interest. Oh, there’re plenty of informative facts and figures (as well as a 21-day health and fitness, plus coupons for a free 30-Day Anytime Fitness club pass or a complimentary one-year Anytime Health online membership), but the whole thing comes off more like an intervention.

 

Chuck goes into vivid detail about all the roadblocks that we face on our path to a healthier life–lack of time, not enough money and the other usual suspects–then proceeds to drive a steamroller over each and every one of them in turn.

And it’s all true. All the excuses that trip us up aren’t nearly as daunting or intimidating as we like to make them out to be.

But where the book really drew me in were the personal accounts of real people and their watershed moments of how they changed their lives through a commitment to exercise and healthy living. These short, first-person accounts (accompanied by before-and-after pics) read like short blog posts and really drive home the message more that statistics and speechifying ever could.

Simple changes can make your life better. You can make a small investment in yourself and your future and see dividends almost immediately. Some days, working out DOES suck, but the only thing that feels worse that exercising is NOT exercising.

Note: If you need one more reason to pick up Working Out Sucks!, all profits from the book are going to Limbs for Life, a global nonprofit organization providing prosthetic care for individuals who can’t otherwise afford it.

Giveaways Don’t Suck! I know how you are about paying for things, so here’s your opportunity to get a free copy of Working Out Sucks!, compliments of Anytime Fitness.

Enter the following two ways:

•    Mandatory Entry: Leave a comment on this post telling me what excuses you have used in the past to get out of working out.

•    Optional Extra Entry: Tweet the following…

@JackSht may suck but Working Out Sucks doesn’t! http://bit.ly/xOLnkc  #workingoutsucks

Giveaway ends this Sunday, January 8, at 10 PM CST. Good luck… and may God have mercy on your soul!

Fitfluential LLC compensated me for this sponsored post. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

Fatanic

INT. DINING SALOON

 

                                   RUTH

Tell us of the food in steerage, Mr. Sh*t. I hear it’s quite good on this ship.

                                   JACK

The best I've seen, m'am. Hardly any rats.


                                    CAL
Mr. Sh*t is joining us from seventh class. He was of some assistance to my fiancee last night.


                                   JACK
I just showed her the proper way to do pelvic thrusts.


                                   CAL
Anyway, This is foie gras, Jack. It's…


                                   JACK
Goose liver, I know. But did you know that foie gras is surprisingly low in bad fats and high in good fats?


                                GUGGENHEIM 

                          (low to Madame Aubert)
What is Hockly hoping to prove, bringing this... blog-hemian... up here?


                                  WAITER
                                   (to Jack)
Would you care for some caviar, sir?


                                    JACK
That’s a tough one… caviar’s really high in cholesterol and sodium, but on the other hand, it’s a rich source of vitamins A and D, as well as omega-3 fatty acids which some researchers say can aid in deterring depression.

                               
                                   RUTH
And where exactly do you live, Mr. Sh*t?


                                   JACK
Well, right now my address is the RMS Fatanic. After that, I'm thinking about stowing away on the Good Ship Lollipop.


                                   RUTH
You find that sort of rootless existence appealing, do you?


                                   JACK
Well... I’m all about staying active, and seeing the world is a great way to do it. Plus, these big ships have really nice fitness facilities. I just hate that they serve 12 meals a day… and that midnight chocolate fountain dessert buffet is a killer! Literally and figuratively! But I’ve learned a hard lesson in this life: to make every calorie count.


                                   MOLLY
Well said, Jack.


                                   COLONEL GRACIE
Here, here.


                                   ROSE
To making every calorie count.


                                   RUTH
How is it you have the means to travel, Mr. Sh*t?


                                   JACK
I have a very popular health and dieting blog.


                                  GRACIE
How much does that make?


                                    JACK
A whole lot, unless you mean actual cash money.

                                   ROSE
Mr. Andrews, what are you doing? I see you everywhere writing in this little book.


                                   ANDREWS
Tracking calories. Our young friend Jack showed me how. See… one scoop of goose liver, 250 calories. It’s really quite informative.


                                   ISMAY
It’s gotten to be Thomas’ obsession. He even made me thin out the walls of the hull to make room for that silly lap pool he wanted installed.

                                  ANDREWS
I have to give Mr. Sh*t the credit for that idea.

                                  
                                   COLONEL GRACIE
Well, join me for a brandy, gentlemen?

                                   ROSE
Now they retreat into a cloud of smoke and congratulate each other on being masters of the universe.


                                   COLONEL GRACIE
Joining us, Sh*t? Or are you going to lecture us on how unhealthy brandy is?


                                   JACK
Actually, consuming 30 milliters of brandy per day reportedly has a similar antioxidant effect as a regular dose of vitamin C. But I’m going to get in a late-night workout. I might even do a little swimming once my supper settles…


                                   ROSE
Well, Jack. Thank you for sharing all that useful info on eating healthy and exercise. Is that what your blog is all about?

                                   JACK
No, that’s just the tip of the ice…

BLAAAAAM - CRRUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHH

…what the Hell was that?

I'm Feeling a Little (Health) Tipsy

• An easy way to remember to take a daily vitamin is to put 30 of them in your mouth at beginning of month and then just swallow one per day.

• Trade your power mower for a push version. If you already use a push mower, trade it in for a push mower that doesn’t have wheels.

• Instead of a glass of orange juice, which may be may be heat processed, watered down, sugared up and stored for a year, why not just drink an orange?

• One way to eat less pork is to raise a baby pig, letting it become your very best friend, and then take him on a field trip to a slaughterhouse.

• You can make good-for-you “Fruit Loops” by looping fresh fruit.

• In order to save calories, instead of 12 ounces of your favorite dish, try eating 11 ounces.

• Did you know that cheese dip isn’t really that unhealthy for your diet, according to a study published in Mexican Restaurant magazine?

• Got some old mushy bananas? Try going to the store and getting some new fresh bananas.

• Adopt the motto “after 8 is too late” for snacks after dinner, as well as the mottos “replace your Skittles with healthy vittles” and “losing weight won’t be so exhausting if you don’t eat that can of frosting.”

Famous Last Words

• “Maybe I’ll just look at the dessert menu…”

• “A week off from exercise will probably be good for me.”

• “Well, I AM on vacation…”

• “Since we’re working late, let’s just order in a pizza…”

• “Well, I hate for it to go to waste…”

• “I can’t really justify that gym membership anymore…”

• “Hey, who brought donuts?”

• “Maybe I’ll just get a small popcorn at the movies…”

• “I’ll just start a new diet on Monday…”

• “Just a little piece… well, maybe not that little… just a bit more…”

• “Maybe I’ll just watch one episode of Mad Men on Netflix on Demand…”

• “A coupon for the all-you-can-eat buffet, you say?”

• “Why not?”

Bam Ba Lam

Whoa, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog) 

Whoa, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog) 


Jack Sh*tty had a prob (Jog-n-Blog) 

Turned into a blob (Jog-n-Blog) 

Said he could change any time (Jog-n-Blog) 

But appears he was lyin’ (Jog-n-Blog) 


I said, Oh, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog) 

Whoa, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog) 



Whoa, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog) 

Go, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog)
He got his life in gear (Jog-n-Blog)
Started laying off the beer (Jog-n-Blog)

He’s improved immensely (Jog-n-Blog) 

Now he lives less densely (Jog-n-Blog) 

Whoa, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog) 

Go, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog) 



Whoa, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog) 

Go, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog) 

He’s bloggin’ all the time (Jog-n-Blog) 

Don’t ever earn a dime (Jog-n-Blog) 

He may never get rich (Jog-n-Blog) 

But he’s a healthy sumb*tch. (Jog-n-Blog)
Whoa, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog)
Go, Jack Sh*tty (Jog-n-Blog)

January First Things First

Resolutions That Probably Shouldn’t Be On Your List

•  Quit smoking and chewing tobacco at the same time

• Make sure you drink at least one Slurpee per day

• Read more… or at least watch more movies based on books… or at least watch more TV shows based on movies based on books… or at least just watch more TV.

• Exercise at least one minute per week

• Quit drinking coffee after 10 p.m.

• Floss semi-annually

• Take up something new, like salsa-dancing or salsa-eating

• Cut internet time down to 26 hours a day

• Spend more time with friends, family and/or strippers

• Work at reducing debt by purchasing one lottery ticket per day

• Organize office by setting desk on fire

• Each week, spend at least 12 hours improving Angry Birdage skills

Don’t Read This!

I’m serious!

This is personal, something just for myself.

I know, it would probably make more sense to simply keep this as a regular document on my computer, but I’ve already started a blog post and I like to finish things that I start (except for that ship-in-a-bottle project that I started in 1989; damn my giant hands!).

Instead, I’ll run you all off by explaining, in excruciating detail, the rules of cricket.

According to Wikipedia, Cricket is a bat-and-ball game played between two teams of 11 players on an oval-shaped field, at the centre of which is a rectangular 22-yard long pitch. One team bats, trying to score as many runs as possible while the other team bowls and fields, trying to dismiss the batsmen and thus limit the runs scored by the batting team. A run is scored by the striking batsman hitting the ball with his bat, running to the opposite end of the pitch and touching the crease there without being dismissed. The teams switch between batting and fielding at the end of an innings. In professional cricket the length of a game ranges from 20 overs of six bowling deliveries per side to Test cricket played over five days. The Laws of Cricket are maintained by the International Cricket Council (ICC) and the Marylebone Cricket Club (MCC) with additional Standard Playing Conditions for Test matches and One Day Internationals. Cricket was first played in southern England in the 16th century. By the end of the 18th century, it had developed into the national sport of England. The expansion of the British Empire led to cricket being played overseas and by the mid-19th century the first international matches were being held. The ICC, the game's governing body, has ten full members. The game is played particularly in Australasia, the Indian subcontinent, the West Indies, Southern Africa and England.

Okay, that should have gotten rid of everyone off by now.

Now Jack… Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack…

Think about how good you feel right now, right this very second. You’ve been eating well and exercising regularly for the last week or so.

AND YOU FEEL SO FREAKIN’ GOOD.

You fell off the wagon and you were draggin’ the entire time. You had no energy. Your get-up-and-go just got up and went. The connection was obvious, but you couldn’t put two and two together.

So here’s your reminder, dumbass:  Good health and weight loss is a giant boulder that, once it starts rolling, can bust through virtually any obstacle.

But when it comes to a stop, it can be next-to-impossible to get moving again.

So do yourself a favor…

Get it rolling.

Keep it rolling.

And keep it rolling some more.